Nestor's Mailbag - Olympics

Olympic Sporty Guys

Dear Olympic;

It's me, Nestor. I hope you don't mind I write you when you so busy getting ready for summer Olympic games. I know is huge big headache to get everything ready on time. Huh, look at that. I just start to write and already I got good idea, but don't worry, I not send letter until after big bash. That way you get to keep nose in own business when you need it. We could have nice chat later. Is no big deal anyway. I just got couple questions about Olympic games. Would be good idea you should explain to people about it.

 In first place, how come you got so many sick athletes playing games? Everybody always got to go to drugstore - even coaches. After competition, test show they still got disease anyway. You really think this is good idea? Let me give you little bit friendly advice. Don't worry, it's free. No red tape attached. You should try old country remedy for sick athletes. You could make nice little necklace from piece binder twine and seven juicy cloves garlic fresh from garden. Just hang around neck for seven days. You get it - seven cloves for seven days? Works like magic every time and no more drug store medicine. If athletes really sick, put one extra clove between teeth and chew nicely. Hoy boys, you get huge big surprise how fast they get healthy and strong - even smell strong! 

Other thing would be good idea for you to explain to people is what means some of these games. Example - you got whole bunch o' people throw spears in goofy spear throwing game called javelin throwing. Everybody throws far as he can to find out who is winner. What kind of game is this? You got no bull's eye. What is point of throwing far if you don't even hit side of barn? Buffalo just laugh at goofy hunter - maybe give him taste of horn in seat of pants if he not careful. That would be good game - see how fast hunter can run other way. But first you got to find out how far buffalo can run before he get tire.

Maybe that's how you figure out relay race. Hunter miss buffalo, buffalo chase him so he give spear to other guy who run some more. Hoy boys - big mistake. Buffalo knows who throw spear. He don't care about other guy who runs and gives to other guy who runs too. He gonna get hunter with bad aim. Let me give you little bit friendly advice. Don't worry, it's free - no red tape attached. Hunter who throw spear shouldn't go sit down on bench. He should go to showers right away quick before buffalo find him, for sure!

That's 'nother thing you should explain to people. Races, I mean. What kind business is races supposed to be? First everybody line up on starting line, seems to take whole hour. Everybody take off pants and stand around in underwear shaking arms and legs like going to be hot shot magic trick. Then everybody crouch down to look for four-leaf clover when guy shoots off starting gun. All guys or girls take off like they gonna beat the bullet. Okay, is good idea, but they run hundred meters and stop and look around. What they looking for - the bullet? Don't they know man with gun shoot blanks?

Oh, calm down - I just make little joke. I know they not racing against bullet. But you gotta admit whole thing looks kind o' fishy. After whole huge big production to get ready for race, they run like deer for hundred meters, then they stop. Whole audience clap. Now runners look around little bit, put pants back on, and go sit down. Holy Moley, now I get it! They got to see who gets best pair o' pants.  Just like going to church on Sunday and come home with brand new pair overshoes. Is this good idea when everybody watching? No, no - you need new pants, you got to get a job, save up money and go to store and buy. Never mind swipe other guy's pants. What is guy who lose race gonna do - go home in gotchies?

Let me give you little bit friendly advice. Don't worry - it's free - no red tape attached. Don't give guys who run relay races no more little sticks to give to 'nother guy. You give them mailbag. Tell him to run to next town and deliver mail. Hoy Boys! Canada Post get huge big surprise! I bet my big boots they jump a mile high to get such good service! Then runners can say for sure they run for Canada - just like pony express. Look at that. They don't even need hot shot Olympic Committee. Only they got to keep pants on or some ladies get all excited.

Same thing with guys who throw spears. Hoy boys, you think I out of ideas already? No way Jose! This is Nestor you talking to. You want to do something useful? Spear guys should go to places where is lots o' grouchy Canada geese. If they get lots o' geese, they could feed whole army of people who go to food banks. Feathers make nice cozy blankets for homeless people. Well okay, if you want to give prize is okay - but only for head shots. See, I told you. Is easy to have fun and games and still do something good for whole country. Is whole lot better than spend huge big pile o' cash to go overseas to take off pants. If you got to take pants off, go to bedroom and don't embarrass nobody. 

You got to use head little bit to do "value added" business. Could be whole new "Value Added Olympics" if you play cards right. Ha ha, you laugh. What does old pig farmer know about "value added" anyway? You be surprised what pig farmer knows. Some hot shot economist make up new name for how to do better business, but pig farmer already knows all about it. In depression my daddy take load of oats to grain elevator. Elevator guy says he give him ten cents a bushel - tops. Daddy says no - four-fifty a bushel.  Elevator guy laughs at him - tell him he's nuts. Daddy takes load home and drives to pig barn. Shows oats to pigs. He tells them is top grade - four-fifty a bushel. Hoy Boys, pigs are so happy they squeal like pigs! Daddy makes nice chop and feed whole business to them. After, he butchers pigs and makes nice ham sausage. He sells whole works for good price and never go back to elevator guy again. Daddy find out he can stay home, look after family if he do value added business and everything hunky dory.

Now you see - is not so hard to figure out how to have lots o' fun and games and still do good for people. You save lots o' money too. Instead of go to fancy gym for exercise, you go to pig farm - carry slop pails to trough - get strong right quick. If you want to learn run fast, take nice stroll in my brother Stachu's cow pasture. Bull is always there, ready to give you good work out. Maybe you want to think about that little bit. Hoy boys - you never believe I even got good job for think about things. Just hitch up horses to set of harrows and go clean up summer fallow on back quarter. While you're at it you could talk about whole Olympic business to wrong end of horse. Would be just like having meeting with board of directors. You feel right at home. Best part is you get free room and board and ten bucks a day.

Holy Moley! I bet you five rubles you never think of such a thing! Listen, no need to say thanks. I good Canadian. I glad to help out anytime. You should drop by sometime. We could sit on my balcony and have nice chat about more ideas. I still got good supply of ham sausage and my boy live close by. He always got some extra beer. Would be good visit.

Your Pal,

Nestor Kropatnik PF (Retire)