Things could have been different, oh so much different had they only listened. But a creeping intransigence has put a strangle hold on the team's management without them even knowing it. Up to now, no one has taken the initiative to point this out to them, so I have taken it upon myself as my loyal duty to the Toronto Maple Leafs Past, to jolt them into reality. It's time someone did that!
An Open Letter to
The Toronto Maple Leafs Management
From “Vicious” Vic Epp, defenseman
The Weston Memorial Community Club
Bantam B Hockey team of 1949
February 6, 2009
Re: Statue of Limitations
Take Notice:
Awright! This is where the rubber hits the road! An’ don’t act like you don’t know full well what I’m talkin’ about. It’s the rights to my services as a player that youse been hangin’ on to in your gnarly little hands since the winter of forty-nine when I signed up as defenseman an’ no less than assistant captain of the Weston Memorial Community Club Bantam B hockey club.
Our coach told us in no uncertain terms that youse guys had first dibs on us as players, an’ we believed him, cause whatever coach said was absolute gospel. He wouldn’t never lie to us. I even told my mom youse might call anytime an’ to be sure an’ pick up the phone when youse did. I sure as blazes wasn’t goin’ to be the one to miss the call.
Well, a whole sixty years has slipped away somewheres an’ until yesterday I was still waitin’. Well, I wasn’t just only waitin’. While I was doin’ that, I was thinkin’ too. I was thinkin’ of all the reasons I come to the decision that the statue of limitations on your crummy players rights was comin’ down. An, don’t think I don’t know the difference between the statue of limitations and the statute of limitations neither! I know full well what it is that’s comin’ down. There’s no way in H E double hockey sticks your gonna get me to play for youse now – an’ just in case youse all of a sudden get scairt, I’m gonna tell youse right up front just exactly why. I made a list. You’re gonna see that youse guys made a huge big mistake, an’ now you’re gonna have to suffer for it. So here youse are – the bald – faced truth!
1) Youse guys never phoned. Youse knew my number. It was right there on the form I signed – two long and one short. What could be easier than that? My mom would’a answered too. Remember, that was a time when moms still stayed home to look after families. So there’s no excuse, but youse never called.
2) Even if youse wanted to make it official in a letter, Con Smythe was never so poor he couldn’t afford a postage stamp, even when it went up from one cent to two. Youse never sent one.
3) Me an’ Wally Winters practiced regular, except Sundays when I had to go to Sunday School, but I made up for that durin’ the week. An’ we played every game too! We was ready for you, even back then in the golden days of hockey when life magazine was good for things other than just readin’, an Eaton’s catalogues was specially good for goalies. We perfected our wrist shots at a time when slap shots was only for golfers in knickers, an’ guys like Turk Broda would wear brush cuts to make it easier for to stitch up their heads rather than hide behind some sissy pants face mask. We even observed the iron rule of never fightin’ on the ice. We had the common courtesy to save that for the parkin’ lot after the game when the pads was off and skates in the duffel bags had some authority. If youse wanted to beat the snot outta’ them trippers an’ high stickers, that was the honorable way to do it – not with all that new fangled paddin’ meant for sissies! An’ we always – I repeat, always allowed fan participation, just like they done in the Montreal riot when Rocket Richard was ejected from the game. We would never think of denyin’ the public it’s right to get in on the act – even the cops. But, youse never called.
4) All them years we kept ourselves clean an’ pure for you, like sacrificial virgins for the sun god. We never entertained any offers from other teams either an’ just ignored whatever overtures they might have made - or not. We was loyal to our contract. Still, youse never called.
5) Ab MacDonald an’ Cec Hoekstra went an’ jumped ship to join the Montreal Canadians an’ won a bunch of Stanley Cups. We was sure we’d hear from youse then. After all, we’d played with them an’ knew how to shut them down. But youse didn’t call.
6) Still we was loyal, good to our word – loyal, but disappointed an’ gettin’ discouraged. I mean – how many Stanley Cups have youse guys won since the sixties? Tell me that! But did youse call? Youse didn’t call.
7) I don’t know about Wally. We haven’t talked much since them glory days. But together with bein’ disappointed an’ discouraged, me myself personally – I’m also disgusted. That’s right – disgusted! Youse didn’t call.
8) It all comes down to this. It seems youse got just a tad too uppity from your early days when youse actually won a Stanley Cup or two. Youse got respect in them days. Youse got loyal fans in them days too. Youse even got players waitin’ in the wings for to carry youse along the high road. But no, youse wouldn’t call.
9) Youse had it in your hands. Youse coulda been a contender. Youse coulda been somebody! If only youd’a called.
10) Well – it’s too late now. The way youse guys are playin’ these days, youse might as well take the money youse got out’a sellin’ the Maple Leaf Gardens an’ buy a bunch of rowboats. That way, youse can all sit on your butts goin backwards, an’ maybe still win first prize.
So I’m givin’ youse fair notice. Don’t even bother tryin’ the two long an’ one short phone number. Ain’t nobody gonna answer no more. Youse are too late! All yer kissin’ up won’t change nothin’. Youse had yer chance an’ youse blew it, so just suck it up buttercup, an’ consider it a lesson learned.
When the place I’m probly goin’ to in the life after this one freezes over, I’ll know youse actually won another Stanley Cup. But truth be told, I ain’t even gonna bother to take a parka.
Your long sufferin’ potential left defenseman,
“Vicious” Vic Epp
