Every time I get invited over to my friend Nestor Kropatnik's place, I get suspicious. You remember Nestor Kropatnik - PF (Retire) who is forever writing letters and giving free advice - like it or not. Sure enough, we're sitting on his balcony enjoying some fine ham sausage and a cold beer, when out comes his pencil and paper. He's got another HUGE BIG idea about how to get rid of the deficit, balance the budget, and put Canada back in the black. But this idea is so "HUGE BIG" that he has to tell everybody but he can't write that many letters. He butters me up by saying I'm a smart guy. I can figure it out.
He hands me anothr beer and another slab of ham sausauge on a slice of his wife's delicious home-made rye bread, smiles like a kid in a candy store and says, "We gonna do it together! I gonna say what I gonna say and you gonna write down just like I said it!"
Well, with an idea this "HUGE BIG", I can't resist. I pick up paper and pencil, look him straight in the eye and holler, "Shoot"!
Nestor doesn't miss a beat. "Like this," he says, all business:
To Finance Minister
Cc: Trade and Commerce Department
Cc: Justice Department
Cc: Corrections Department
Cc: Prime Minister of Quebec
Cc: Indian Affairs Department
Cc: Foreign Affairs Department
Dear Finance;
It’s me Nestor! Hoy boys, I so excited I don’t know who to write to ‘bout this huge big idea, so I gonna Cc everybody, just in case. “Cc” is secret code word for “carbon copy”. Everybody got to hear ‘bout this so I just say “Cc” an’ everybody get all heads together an’ pay attention to old Nestor. Pretty slick, you got to admit.
Other day I learn bran’ new word. Is called “outsourcing”. Holey Moley! Is huge big important word! How come I never hear ‘bout it before? Oh I know. Is also secret code word means “saving money”. Oho! Now I know why you never use it! Government got a rule about using swear words. Spending money is good government word, but don’t talk about saving money.
Out of other side of mouth government flap gums about balancing budget, cutting deficit ‘til cows come home. They even make huge big meeting with all countries called G – 20. I don’t know what G – 20 is code word for, but must be good because they spend about a billion bucks for party. They talk about cutting deficit, but nobody say how. They don’t even say when. Is just like climb in bathtub with clothes on. Only get clean outside. Inside still stinky like before bath.
Let me give you some friendly advice. Don’t worry, it’s free – no red tape attached. I glad to share. If you want to do something, you got to know how to do, otherwise, is just so much hot air. What does old pig farmer know about cutting deficit, balance budget, outsourcing you ask? I bet my big boots you gonna get huge surprise what old pig farmer can tell you.
Everybody already know about “outsourcing” – except maybe government and labor unions. Canadian clothes made in China, Taiwan, even India. Canadian toys, TV’s, computers – all made in China. Even sacred Indian Dream Catchers made in China. Everything too expensive to make here so businesses got to “outsource” orders to make cheaper, faster an’ better. Oops – now businesses saving lots o’money, and we saving money too. Look at that! Maybe government should think about “outsourcing”. I get so excited I got to look around for something government can “outsource” too. I don’t got to look very far.
Justice Department got huge big problem with too many prisoners an’ not enough prisons. Cost taxpayers thirty billion bucks a year – an’ pretty soon gonna cost fifty billion. Holey Moley, my taxes never gonna go down!
Now put on you thinking cap. What you think you can do ‘bout this? In case you fall asleep while thinking, I gonna tell you what you can do. Hoy Boys! I bet my big boots you gonna get huge big surprise! You “outsource” whole prison system to poor countries who need extra cash money. I bet you five rubles is going to be cheaper. At same time you help poor countries so you not spend so much on foreign aid. Save money – two times on same project. You see – everybody win!
Prime Minister from Quebec give me even bedder idea. He got brainstorm to sell more asbestos to Indians. No, no, not those Indians – they already corner market on diabetes. They got no room for cancer. I mean Indians in India. They buy that stuff by ton and install with bare hands. Not healthy.
So you make a deal to send all Canadian prisoners over in big airplane for install asbestos. You get better price for supplied and installed and Indians got more time to do computer software and electronics. That kind business got special secret code word you never heard before. Is called “value added”. They use in retail store. You buy suit and clerk say now you need nice tie to match. Then you need brand new shoes. First thing you know you bought whole outfit. That’s value added.
If prisoners run out of work, they got jails in India too. They take all kind stuff nobody else want – Canadian prisoners an’ maybe even defense lawyers.
Oho, you say. Prison guards gonna be upset! No, no, I think of everything. Prison guards get train for construction work and turn old prisons in to nice condominiums – upscale. You make a bundle! Look at that! First thing you know deficit gone and you got surplus on hands again!
You see, old pig farmer still know a thing or two ‘bout how to run a business. You should drop by sometime. We could have some my nice “value added” ham sausage an’ my boy, he live close by. He always got extra beer or two in fridge. I could give you more ideas. Don’t worry, it’s free – no red tape attached. I always glad to share.
Your pal,
Nestor Kropatnik PF (Retire)
