The International Criminal Court
The Hague, Netherlands.
Honorable Sirs or Madams;
Subject: In the matter of the people vs. the estate of Adam and Eve and the Snake.
Notice of intent to file a class action suit as hereinafter articulated:
Notice of intent:
Inasmuch as crimes against humanity fall within the jurisdiction of the International Criminal Court as enacted by the Rome statute of the International Criminal Court in July of 2002, we the undersigned do hereby give notice of our intent to file a class action suit in the said court under whose jurisdiction crimes against humanity fall. This notice shall bear witness that a class action suit shall be filed against the entire estate of Eve and her co-conspirators, Adam and that sneaky snake, originally all of the Garden of Eden or thereabouts, whose heirs, assigns, and successors have subsequently proliferated throughout all seven continents of the world.
Preamble:
The court shall take special note that while much reference is made in these documents to the said co-conspirators, namely: Eve, Adam, and Snake, such reference is made solely for the purpose of exposing the source of the alleged ongoing crime, the proceeds of which are being harbored by the said estate to this very day, thus constituting another crime in and of itself (which needs looking into).
Therefore, notwithstanding the Rome statute’s declaration to not prosecute anyone for crimes committed prior to the said Jul 1, 2002, the plaintiffs beg to reiterate to the court that the said action is filed not against the aforementioned co-conspirators, but against current members of the said estate and therefore totally falls within the statute of limitations inasmuch as the heirs of the co-conspirators are all beneficiaries of the said estate and are therefore also the heirs and beneficiaries of the proceeds of those self-same crimes against humanity. Let it be known that there is an unbroken continuum of members of the said estate as is the continuum of the alleged crimes against humanity. Therefore and to wit, (or whatever you say in those circumstances) both the alleged crimes AND the estate must be cumulatively considered as one of each and thus automatically survive the said statute imposed by the Rome statute, albeit in reverse; that is to say, both this way and that. On these grounds, the plaintiffs demand that the said Rome statute imposing the statute of limitations be waived and the court proceed directly to the matter at hand without any blasted statutes. To wit:
Overview:
The statement of claim alleges harm having been visited upon all living things including the environment from about a week after the defendants’ ancestors were summarily expelled from the Garden of Eden right up to the present moment. The plaintiffs therefore seek redress for the harm thus caused - both currently, retroactively, and cumulatively. Such redress shall be in the form of unspecified damages to be hereinafter articulated. In support of its claim to the right of having this case heard forthwith, the plaintiffs offer the following evidence. To wit:
Grounds for the court to hear this case:
Firstly and also to wit; it is documented that since its inception in 2002, the court has indicted a measly sixteen people. That amounts to only two people per year. Of those sixteen, three appeared voluntarily, four are in custody, two died – maybe, and seven are still at large. Therefore, to more wit; any mathematical formula will show that the court has a caseload of less than one per year. It must thus be concluded that even allowing for vacation and traveling time, the court really has nothing better to do than to hear this most important and all-encompassing case being presented to be laid before it.
The plaintiffs therefore and hereby present the following overwhelming evidence, which shall form the basis for this statement of claim. To wit:
The Evidence:
The plaintiffs charge that Eve was made from Adam’s rib, witness Genesis 2:21- 23 in the Christian bible, thereby being partly Adam himself, herself. In the absence of a category for stealing human body parts, this, at the very least is a clear case of identity theft – partly.
The plaintiffs further charge that Eve, by thus being partly Adam himself herself, is a not entirely a separate and legal entity but partly a cloned and genetically modified Adam, thereby falling within the jurisdiction of laws governing human cloning, genetic tampering, and maybe even stem cell manipulation. The evidence is clear and irrefutable!
Pursuant to such findings, the genetic relationship, however modified is such as to deem any offspring conceived in the said Eve by the seed of the said Adam to be the result of a double-dog incestuous relationship inasmuch as each of the said parties in question is related, not only to the other, but to himself/herself as well –all at the same time! To further wit; while there is a proliferation of anecdotal innuendo that two of the co-conspirators, namely Adam and Eve are husband and wife, no actual marriage certificate exists, indicating a deliberate attempt to cover the whole convoluted affair up by blaming the whole business on the snake. An additional charge for this offense therefore must be conspiracy to deceive the plaintiffs and all others at large as to the legal status of the co-conspirators.
Further to wit: while a snake is often mentioned in the documents there is nothing to support the said snake ever performing such a marriage ceremony in the first place. Besides which, snakes are not qualified under the law to perform such acts, thereby rendering any such ceremony, alleged or real, null and void. Therefore any benefits received by the said Adam and Eve are without entitlement and must be repaid to the plaintiffs with interest.
Further (also to wit), the plaintiffs note that the snake is still at large and calls upon the court to exert its considerable resources to apprehend the same for the purpose of prosecution. The plaintiffs further note, to wit, that twenty-five percent of the court’s cases are already directed against fugitives still at large and so the case against the snake shall automatically fall within the guidelines of the court’s normal practices for fugitives from justice. The plaintiffs therefore demand that, failing its apprehension, the said snake be tried in absentia inasmuch as the exact snake has not even been identified yet.
Therefore, the plaintiffs charge the co-conspirator snake as follows:
Misrepresentation: To wit, holding itself out as having the authority to perform marriages and failing to obtain a license for such services.
People Charming without a license: All snakes know that it is people who charm snakes, and not the other way around. Notwithstanding such knowledge, the snake persisted in charming a gullible Eve anyway and is thereby liable for whatever penalty the court may impose for this infraction.
False advertising: To wit, unlawful apple enticement and making unsubstantiated claims about the benefits of the product that cannot be corroborated. It is well established that there are only two exceptions to the apple enticement rule. These are, to wit: 1) endearment of certain teachers, and 2) keeping the doctor away. All other enticements are verboten.
Theft: To wit, obtaining the apple without proper authority for the purpose of trafficking, and trafficking apples without a license – also verboten.
Summation:
Honorable Ladies and Gentlemen of the Court;
In order to establish the unbroken continuum of illegal, illicit, disgusting and downright sneaky activity laid out before the court, it was necessary to directly reference certain co-conspirators; namely the said gullible Eve who unwittingly bought into this illegal pyramid apple scheme, the said idiot Adam, being too busy ogling that naked woman prancing around in the garden to even know what she was talking about when she offered him a bite, and the said sneaky snake who started the whole sordid business. Be it noted that while they are all presumed deceased, the seed for this insidious activity clearly germinated right there in the garden of Eden and has escalated from it in every direction and to every corner of the globe. The charges therefore fall not upon the original perpetrators of these despicable crimes, but upon ALL their heirs, assigns and successors who have benefited and continue to benefit from the proceeds thereof, and thus bear the burden of guilt for the whole sordid, sorry mess.
I beg the court’s indulgence while I compose myself. I have become somewhat overwrought thinking of the magnitude of these crimes. But still I repeat; the charges MUST fall upon ALL their heirs, assigns and successors, wherever they may be! This means every last human being on the face of the earth! No one may be excused!
Conclusion:
Uh oh! In my zeal to pursue justice, I have perhaps overstepped the bounds of prudence in not allowing for any exceptions, to wit: it now appears that the plaintiffs and the members of the court who must render a judgment are also co-defendants. Rats! This is never gonna work! Oh wait, I know what to do to save face in a case like this. It’s done all the time. Here goes:
On behalf of the plaintiffs, I hereby officially apologize for any inconvenience or misunderstanding this may have caused. Kindly disregard this letter.
Yours very truly,
There, that ought’a work. Sounds just like the government’s apologies to residential school survivors, or to the Chinese over the head tax, or the Japanese whose property they stole during WWII.
