Well, it's been a while since there's been any news fro Mabel & Eunice's place. But like anything else there, it's always momentous. I hope you enjoy the story.
Mabel and Eunice and the Freakin’ Frickin’ Coyotes
Things had been pretty quiet out in the country for some time; so much so I figured the old gals had retired. Me and a couple of coyotes should’a known better. Well, you don’t go pokin’ a sleepin’ tiger with a sharp stick unless you’re on the other side of a very strong fence now do you? I knew that much but apparently there’s some creatures in God’s creation that are just a little too curious to pay attention.
Things had been pretty quiet around the old home place for a while. All the young sparkplugs had grown up and left the nest for the city and things were just a bit eerie around there, what with all that quiet goin’ on. Mud, the goofy old mutt had got really old and eventually passed on so that all that was left moving in the house was the ghostly cats. Things was just too quiet for anybody’s liking.
Of course, this was now a subject for discussion – lively discussion. That was one thing that hadn’t changed. Them two were still at each other, hammer and tong. The one thing they agreed on was that things was too quiet for their liking. Well no, that’s not entirely true either. They also agreed that some of the brats coming home the odd weekend was about as much as they were prepared to put up with too. I mean, what the bleep was phones for anyways? Jeez, they all come around with their adult opinions and there was never no end to the arguments. And they was too big and too old to tell them to just shut up. Least wise, on the phone you could just hang up and that would be the end of it. But it still left something short. Something was missing.
As far as Eunice was concerned, they needed another dog. She missed old Mud somethin’ fierce. She’d had her since she was a wee pup, and every time she though of her, she kind of choked up. “We’ll go to the freakin’ dog pound,” she declared emphatically. “We can pick up a dog there that needs a good home.”
Mabel spied down over her glasses – she was wearin’ glasses nowadays. “Eunice,” she said thoughtfully. “Eunice, you ought to know better than to call it a dog pound. There ain’t no such thing no more as a dog pound. You got to keep up with the times, old girl.” There was a faint twinkle in her eye.
Of course, Eunice took the bait before she realized she was being put on. “Well then,” she more or less roared, “what do you call them places where the dog catcher takes the dogs to be put down?”
“They’re animal shelters Dearie,” said Mabel, kind of snooty. “They’re run by the SPCA, and that’s what they do – they shelter animals, they don’t put them down no more neither. It’s not a frickin’ abbatory, you know. Kind’a classy, don’t you think?”
Eunice still didn’t catch on. “Well I don’t care what you call them places, classy or not, we better get our sorry arses down there and check them out. Who knows what we’re goin’ to find.”
“Talkin’ about your classy,” Mabel continued slyly, “I was kinda’ thinking more along the lines of one of them Korean Pot Bellied Pigs. Not many people got them you know. Everybody and his dog got a dog!”
“Is your brain froze up Mabel?” Eunice ripped off. “What kind of nit-wit ideas you get into that head of yours? Classy indeed! If you’da mucked out as many pig barns as I have you’d soon get to know that a pig – any kind’a pig, belongs in the meat section of the supermarket!”
Mabel had hit a nerve, maybe even overstepped her bounds. Eunice was just getting wound up.
“And if you think, even for one bleepin’ second that I’m goin’ to step in pig shit in our kitchen or living room or wherever, you’re gonna want to re-program your brain DEARIE!” She smiled that stupid innocent smile of hers.
Not willing to concede her obvious loss, Mabel convinced Eunice to go to the ‘Animal Shelter’ on Saturday to see what they could find. True to form, they went excitedly to the place, arriving there just after it opened in the morning, intent on an adventure. They didn’t leave there until late in the afternoon, and then not by themselves either. No, they had not one, but two dogs in tow. On the way home, they of course stopped off to pick up a carload of dog food, dog toys, and everything else dog they could get their hands on.
To say the rest of the weekend was something akin to a riot would not be overstating it. For one thing, the ghostly cats threw a fit, such as ghostly cats do. They’d just got over being rid of Mud and had the house to themselves when these two intruders showed up. You never heard such a lot of growling and hissing. The dogs, oblivious to the poison being spit on them by the cats were busily exploring their new digs. They sniffed and snorked every nook and cranny and before long had everything memorized and labeled in their minds.
Well, if they hadn’t been royal classy dogs before, they certainly were now! The boy dog was a Corgi/Border Collie cross – one of them favorite dogs of the Queen, so they named him Charles – after Prince Charles. Seemed fitting. And the girl dog; she was a pure bred Basset hound, a little bit older than Charles and totally laid back, as Basset hounds are prone to be. She couldn’t very well become a Diana with that sort of personality. Eunice took to calling her Camilla, much to Mabel’s chagrin.
Well now, the little country home took on a sense of normalcy; in other words, a constant state of upheaval. Both Mabel and Eunice were in their glory amid the chaos. They were barking orders at the dogs and the dogs were barking in delight. It was pandemonium in paradise. The cats just skulked around and hissed.
The yard outside was a whole different story. Mud’s kennel had already been taken down so there was no place to safely put the dogs. Undaunted, the girls bought a whole lot of electric wire and ran it around the yard as a perimeter, hooking it up to a plug-in. It was one of them electrified buried fence contraptions where you put a collar on your animal and as they crossed where the wire was buried, they’d get a shock. It’s very effective if you’ve got the collar on and great to keep your pets in a confined space. It doesn’t take account though the other critters that don’t have a collar on – like skunks, foxes, coyotes, deer and bears that criss-cross over the yard as it pleases them. And that was the problem. Over the years, the bears and foxes had got used to the place and pretty well minded their own business. But now a large pack of coyotes had moved in to the area and were wreaking havoc with the neighborhood. In fact, one night just after dark, the dogs had been out and the girls heard a squabble going on. It seemed they called the dogs just in time. Otherwise they’d have been a couple of morsels for the coyotes. As it was, they were pretty well beat up.
This was not good. It was obvious that the old girls had a dilemma on their hands. They loved to see the animals that frequented their place. But they didn’t love to see them destroying their beloved dogs. “Hmph,” Mabel muttered. “We sure as bleep ain’t gonna put up that bleepin’ kennel again. We just got the yard lookin’ decent and ain’t nobody gonna bleepin’ change it.
“Well now Mabel,” Eunice started. But Mabel set her jaw in the way she did when not even a bulldozer would budge her an inch. “We’ll come up with something. We always do.” She finished, having no idea of what it was they were going to come up with.
A glimmer of an idea began to form in Eunice’s mind though. She was your basic farm girl at heart, used to animals and livestock. There wasn’t much that would buffalo her for too long. She pulled on her boots and went outside, walking away from Mabel without another word.
Outside, Eunice romped around the fence line, checking every post and the barbed wire in between. A couple of the posts needed replacing, and the fence could use another string of wire. The front gate too could use replacing. An idea was forming in her mind. Damn! She’d have to get the brats out on a weekend to help but it’d be worth it. Having made up her mind, Eunice jumped in her truck and took off to the lumberyard. On the way home, she stopped off at the old McClintock’s place for a cup of tea. These old folks were in their eighties and no longer farmed. They still lived in the old house and the only animal they had left was old Queenie, the donkey who had become a family pet. John McClintock just hadn’t had the heart to sell her off.
Well naturally, that was the idea that was growing in Eunice’s mind – was the donkey. They’d had one at home amongst the cattle when she was a kid. That critter could kick the snot out of anything that got too close to her cattle any day of the week.
When Eunice broached the idea that she and Mabel could take care of Queenie at their place, and that Queenie could earn her keep by guarding against wolves, both Sarah and John were almost relieved. It was getting harder and harder to look after the animal and if Queenie could live out her days close by, they’d be much obliged.
Mabel was obstinately curious about Eunice’s mysterious activities. Eunice would only smile her infuriating smile and sweetly say, “I’m fixin’ to fix them bleepin’ coyotes without you havin’ to do your stupid dance with not shootin’ them. Remember how you screwed that up with the skunk. Why don’t you give Howard a call to come over and give me a hand for a day?”
The easiest way for Mabel to find out what was happening was to pretend it wasn’t happening. She sat in her big chair watching TV, totally ignoring Eunice and her activities. It was maddening. All week long they played the cat and mouse game, neither one giving in. Even on Saturday when Howard and his girlfriend showed up, Mabel pretended not to know anything. By this time Eunice was fit to be tied. “For God’s sake woman,” she lamented, “don’t you even care what’s goin’ on?”
“Didn’t know anything was goin’ on,” Mabel retorted, blank faced.
“Well if you’d pay a little attention to what’s around you instead of starin’ at that bleepin’ idiot box all day long, you’d know I’m workin’ like a dog to keep the dogs safe!”
“Well of course I know! What do you think – I’m blind?”
“Well why didn’t you just say so? Besides, you don’t even know what I have in mind.” Eunice put that hurt expression on her face as though she had been wounded by her friend and went storming outside to give Howard a hand.
Mabel didn’t really know what was up, but she knew it would be something momentous. Eunice had never let her down before and this time would be no different, she knew that much. Her and Howard and his girlfriend were outside working away at the fencing and building a new front gate. It was a real production. When they were done Howard came in the house, said his goodbyes, raided the fridge and left. Mabel thought now Eunice would spill the beans about what she was up to, but no, she followed Howard out of the driveway in her truck. They made a big production of opening and closing the new gate, and went their separate ways.
Well now Mabel was poised for some kind of surprise, but certainly not what came up the driveway about an hour later. Eunice drove up hauling the strangest looking trailer, followed by John and Sarah McClintock in John’s old fifty-seven Monarch sedan. After she closed the gate, Eunice drove to the far side of the garage and unhooked the trailer. That was more than Mabel could bear. She and the dogs came out of the house to greet the McClintocks as they got out of the old car. The dogs were all over the old couple in greeting.
“I hope this is gonna work,” said old John. He walked around to the far side of the garage. A moment later he emerged with his Queenie in tow. Well, almost everybody took a step back, including the dogs. They didn’t even bark. When they got their bearings, they slowly moved forward to sniff at the strange creature in front of them. The creature did the same. She shook her head, made a couple of grunts, and began to make her way around the yard, the dogs in tow.
“Well, I’ll be!” exclaimed John McClintock. “I never seen anything like this before. Looks like they’re old friends. By gum, I think this is gonna work out.”
The donkey made straight for the fence and everyone worried she might break out and take off home. But no, she walked up to it, sniffed it and started to go along the whole perimeter as if inspecting the workmanship. When she got to the northeast corner, she stopped and brayed several times, then moved on. Charles and Camilla of course couldn’t go that far because their electrical perimeter was much smaller. But they kept up with Queenie from within their own confines, watching her closely. Having finished her inspection, she came back to John and Sarah, nuzzling them for a moment as if to tell them they could leave, and went to grazing.
Both Mabel and Eunice were completely dumbfounded. They couldn’t believe what they had seen. Mabel brought out a pot of coffee and some dainties she had hurriedly hauled out of the freezer and warmed in the microwave oven and they sat around the patio table watching the goings on. For a time the dogs lay down at the perimeter of their electric fence, watching the donkey with interest. The donkey made herself completely at home, grazing peacefully.
Mabel’s face suddenly brightened up like a rising sun. “We’ll call her Elizabeth,” she said, grinning to herself. She’ll be Queen Elizabeth and Charles and Camilla will be her children! It’ll be just like having the real royal family at our place!”
It was that very night that Queen Elizabeth exercised her royal authority over her newfound realm. Mabel and Eunice were both rather anxious to find out how this whole situation would play out so they deliberately let the dogs out just at dusk and set themselves down at the patio table with a mug of coffee and a good supply of patience.
“Ain’t it just delightful,” said Mabel, crooking her little finger as she lifted her cup of coffee, “to watch our royal family bein’ freakin’ royal?”
“Just like the real thing,” Eunice allowed.
The dogs were playing unconcernedly and Queenie had come into their periphery to graze and be close to them. It was indeed a sight to behold. They were reluctant to bring the dogs in to the house and had left them out longer than usual. They were about to call it a night when Queenie suddenly looked up. Her ears were twitching and she was uttering little snorts. She stood like a statue.
There were moving shadows in the northeast corner of the yard. Queenie waited. As if on a signal, she bolted for the corner quick as lightening, kicking and braying and raising an enormous racket. The dogs high tailed it for the patio and hid under the chairs and the girls sat there, mesmerized. There were a couple of loud thuds and then he braying stopped. Queenie herself now walked regally over to the patio.
The girls were up and all around the donkey, petting and congratulating her. Even the dogs came out of hiding and were licking her hooves. Queenie hadn’t had this much attention ever and she basked and delighted in it, standing proud and royal and taking it all in.
“Y’know Mabel, we ought’a send a letter to the Queen herself. She might just give our Queenie a frickin’ medal. She deserves it, don’t you think?”
“Naw, just give her a bit of oats. She’ll appreciate that more.”
Well, there’s really little else to tell except the girls went out the next morning to see what damage had been done. They found two coyote carcasses where the kafuffle had occurred, one with his head bashed in and the other with crushed ribs. Eunice loaded them up on the truck and took them to the dump. When she stopped by the McClintocks and told them about the adventure, old John wasn’t at all surprised. “She’s just doin’ her job and glad of it. Them coyotes are still out there, but as long as she’s around, they know the rules now and won’t bother you or the dogs.”
Mabel snickered when she heard what John had said. “Well it looks like anybody tries to horn in on our royal realm is going to get their arses kicked. That’s the way a Kingdom, or rather Queendom ought to be freakin’ run.”
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