Health Canada
Red Tape Department
Dear Red;
It's me, Nestor! Hoy boys, I bet my big boots you gonna be suprise to hear from me! Sorry to disturb you when you so busy trying to find cure for red tape worm epidemic. I know, I know, is huge big problem - world wide pandemic. I don't blame you for worry 'bout it. You getting nowhere fast and red tape worm getting everywhere even faster. Too much red tape!
I never thought about it 'til other day when I watch news on the TV. I line up my big chair and click on TV zapper. Holy Moley! I jump a mile high. Here is classy lady friend of mine getting off a big airplane - right there on TV! She and other nurses and doctors just arriving back from Sri Lanka. They go there to do very nice mission helping people who need it after huge big disaster. Look at that! They got lots of work right here, but when they hear about sick people who need help right away, they drop everything and go, just like that - no red tape. Maybe you never heard 'bout such a thing in Ottawa before.
They get to Sri Lanka, roll up sleeves and say, "okay let's go! Take us to place where biggest need is."
Army says, "Shaddup and stay in stinky hot barracks. We got war business to do - no time for humanitarian aid. You want something, you talk to government."
So doctors and nurses complain to government. They come all this way for people who need medicine and treatment in a hurry, but army says no way José. Doctors and nurses dig heels in. They still want to know when they can get a move on.
Government says, "First you need approval from Red Tape department. Fill out forms and wait."
Hoys Boys, what a mess! They even got Red Tape Department in Sri Lanka! I thought it was only available in Ottawa. Doctors and nurses ask for appointment with Minister of Red Tape to clear up business so people don't got to suffer no more. Guy tells them, "Sorry, Minister is out. Come back tomorrow maybe."
Pretty soon people get a little bit grouchy and nobody gets help because Minister is still out. They say, "Where is Minister?"
Guy says, "Out".
People say, "We know he's out. Where is out?"
Guy says, "Out to lunch."
Hoy boys, he got that right! It's just like in Ottawa - same disease. Here you got huge big bunch o' people got no food, got no clean water, got no houses, lost families, lost everything. Same time you got lots o' people like my friend fly half way 'round world to help. Lots o' people send money, clothes, medicine, and equipment. Where does everything go? Goes to Red Tape shipping and receiving, of course. Now nobody can get it 'cause Red Tape Minister is out to lunch. You see what I mean? Red tape worm is huge big problem.
Let me give you little bit friendly advice. Don't worry, it's free - no red tape attached. Ha ha, that's just a little joke. But I got sure cure for red tape worm from my grand daddy. I hear you ask what does old retired pig farmer know about cure for anything, never mind such a giant big disease. Ho, ho, I bet you five rubles you gonna get huge big surprise when you find out what old retired pig farmer knows! I gonna tell you right now. He knows cure for red tape worm is right there on pig farm. See, I told you you gonna be surprise.
In old country my grand daddy find out when spunky young boy pig wants to have smoochy date with nice fancy lady pig, he got to look good - make big impression. So wise guy grand daddy, he takes straight razor and gives him nice fancy shave, professional, just like in barbershop. Pretty soon hot shot boy pig sees he is handsome dude - looks like a million bucks. He's happy to go call on fine lady pig. But that is different story. I not gonna tell you in case kids listening. I gonna tell you 'bout special treatment for all kinds problems.
Grand daddy he got brand new idea for stiff pig bristles. He don't waste nothing - uses them to make cure for poachers catching rabbits on his land. He takes old muzzleloader, a little bit black powder, a big ball of stiff pig bristles, sneaks up on poacher, pulls trigger and gives him injection in seat of pants, right through trap door of red flannel gotchies. Poacher yells and takes off, howling like wolf who back into grouchy porcupine. No, no, this is not end of story. Just wait. I gonna tell you whole business.
Next day grandma sets table for supper, everybody sits down except my daddy. Grandma wants to know why he don't want to sit down to eat like everybody else. Daddy says he not hungry. Besides, he's too busy - got big responsibility to do lots o' chores, and runs out of house. Grandma thinks that maybe her boy got sunstroke from heat, he acting so funny. This is first time she see him want to work instead of eat. He even got long coat on, down over seat of pants.
Even next morning grandma says my daddy gotta sit down and eat breakfast. Daddy tells her he still got no time - got to hurry for school. All of a sudden he want to study hard to be good student. How 'bout that! Never happen before. Grand daddy just strokes his big handlebar moustache and smiles. He tells grandma don't worry. The boy just had immunization against poaching disease. Right now is little bit tender in immunization site, but only takes three weeks for puss and poison to push out pig bristles and then he can sit down again. Grandma says must be good medicine to make boy change his ways so much.
Hoys boys! Is a long story my grand daddy told me. He winks at me and says it looks like pig bristles pretty good medicine for cure laziness disease too. I ask him how it works.
"Oh," says grand daddy, "like magic. Pig bristles go right into skin. Only way out is for disease in body to push out everything. Then its too late - disease falls out too. In three weeks everything comes out and everything hunky dory. Hoy Boys, makes huge big mess in trap door of gotchies!" he laughs.
So you see what you learn from old pig farmer. Right there under your nose is perfect medicine to cure lots o' things. You don't need fancy shmansy little pills or needle in arm. All you need is old muzzleloader and little bit black powder and grand daddy's pig bristle medicine. Think about it. Its all natural, organic, has short-term side effects and is non-addictive. Best of all it’s a renewable resource so you could get it anytime. I bet you five rubles you give injection to all government people, you get rid of poaching disease - no more fingers in piggy bank. Same time you clean up lazy disease so nobody got no more time for red tape. Look at that! In one shot you fix everything in whole red tape department. Everything run smooth just like wagon wheel with Black Beauty axle grease. You don’t even need booster shot. You just have to say you gonna give booster shot. All of a sudden original medicine starts to work again, just like magic.
You see - that was easy. You should drop by sometime. We could sit on my balcony and have nice visit. I got nice fresh ham sausage and my boy, he live close by. He always got couple extra beers. Maybe you could even use couple more ideas like maybe next time you give money and supplies to Auditor General Sheila Fraser. She gonna make sure where money goes.
Your pal,
Nestor Kropatnik PF (Retired)
