CBC
Dear C;
It's me Nestor! Ha ha, I sure got you this time! You don't know if I call you by first name or last name. I pretty cagey sometimes. Is just a little joke. But I not writing to tell funny jokes. My letter got to do with that TV.
My daughter Olga, she now CEO of pig farm since I retire. First thing she do is put TV in pig barn so she not miss soap operas. Pretty soon pigs don't like TV and get grouchy so Olga give it to me for present. She such a sweetie, our Olga - always think about mommy and daddy! She tell me is nice company for lonely old people in apartment. I tell says don't be bunyak. For people to get advice I got to actually mail letters. Huh? I never think of that before. Maybe she got a point.
"Of course, daddy!" she say. She tell me I spend whole life talking to pigs in barn and wrong end of horse in grain field. It's time I learn something new. Hoy boys she make such a big production about it - set up TV on stand, hook up cable, line up my big chair just so and gives me zapper that looks like cattle prod with lots o' buttons to turn TV on.
"Okay daddy," she tell me. "Now you all set to see the world."
I tell her I gonna watch later. Right now I too busy visit with very important CEO of pig farm. She laugh and give me big squeeze. Who needs TV when you got daughter like that?
After daughter's visit, missus goes to bed and I decide to try this new TV. I sit in big easy chair, line up my eye to screen and pick up zapper. Now I ready to see world. I sit back, push power button on zapper and wait for warm up. Holy Moley! I bet you five rubles I jump a mile high for sure! Picture come on and there is bunch o' people with no clothes on and play hanky panky! I so embarrassed I forget all about zapper and pull plug out of wall! Fast like bunny I do ten Hail Marys just in case.
Next morning smarty-pants daughter phone to see how I like my TV. I tell her thing or two in mother tongue. TV is going in dumpster. She yell at me to don't touch TV. Calm down and she gonna come over right away and fix it. When she get here she send me to kitchen so I don't see. All of a sudden daughter lets out yell and string of words in mother tongue you only hear in beer parlor. Hoy boys! Where she learn that from? She sound just like Metro who drive gravel truck.
She comes in kitchen with big red face and tells me, "Daddy you no supposed to watch Playboy channel! You too old for that stuff! But is okay now, I fix all up. Everything hunky dory."
I tell daughter to wash out mouth with soap and then she should show me what to do. She laugh and go to washroom and pretend to wash out mouth. Soon as I learn to work buttons on zapper and get list of stations, Olga say she have to go so pigs don't miss her too much. I remind her to play Mozart on radio for pigs when nobody's in barn. They like Mozart when they by self. When somebody in barn they like polkas and happy singing. Then they know food is coming.
I still little bit nervous about turning on so I figure out is good idea to wait 'til tomorrow. I get up early morning at same time every day. After nice bacon and eggs I take glass o’ tea and line up in front of TV. This gonna be good. Now I turn on weather channel. Nice lady standing there in skinny coat says is minus thirty-four, feel like minus forty-five with wind chill. Holy Moley! Sound very cold so I go on balcony to check. Fresh air smack me in face to say 'Wake up Nestor!' I get huge big surprise. It's beautiful day and I nice and cozy. Maybe lady make joke. Oh no - no joke. She say it again. Then I figure out, she only wear skinny coat and little shoes and stand outside with no mitts.
Let me give you little friendly advice. Don't worry, it's free - no red tape attached. Ladies who stand outside and talk about weather got to be dressed nice and warm. You got to put on pure wool gotchies, like you get from Eaton's mail order - and pure wool socks too. You button up trap door on gotchies nice and tight, put on coveralls and felt boots. You put on fur cap and mittens and you all nice and cozy, just like polar bear. Then you don't got no goofy wind chill to mix up people. Same thing in summer time when is plus thirty-four. Everybody stand outside in short pants and complain about heat. Don’t complain. Even in summer heat wool gotchies and socks soak up sweat and you still nice and cozy, just like polar bear. How come nobody get it? Sure, you got to wash underwear every month or else get real stinky, but is not like old days when you got to walk five miles to wash in river.
Only reason you need weather station is to tell if storm is coming. You see that was easy. I bet you could save lots o' money if you tell people just go outside and see how they feel and don't bother with goofy wind chill that nobody understand in first place.
But couple o' things you guys got pretty good. Other day I was watching on the TV early in morning and I get such a big surprise. I turn on biography channel and Hoy boys, I bet my boots I jump a mile high! Right there on the TV I see Peter Gzowski sit and talk to some live guys. Holy Moley! He sure look good for dead guy! He got nice beard, and twinkle in eye and don't got a hose in the nose to breathe like when he sick. They must have good health care system for dead people. He look like million bucks!
You guys must have super duper hot shot agent can get dead guys to come back for do shows. How you do that anyway? Must be cost small fortune for plane ticket from heaven to CBC just to do shows. No wonder you always broke. Let me give you little bit friendly advice, just between you and me. It don't need to go no further so government find out and cut your budget again. Don't worry, it's free - no red tape attached. My grand daddy used to say if you look after kopeks, rubles look after own self. I think he right. You should listen to him. Maybe next time you fly Gzowski in to do show, you could ask my grand daddy to come too. That would be good show with two dead guys.
But I get little bit worry about labor laws for dead people. Four times in same weekend I see same show with Gzowski. What you think of that? Every time everybody say same words, move same way, everything same. Must be smart guys to do same thing over and over without making mistake. I bet you they must be tired after all that work. Maybe they wondering too if audience tired of seeing everything four times in a row. Maybe people go on strike and change channel.
Good idea would be if you only do shows one time only, but get more dead people. I bet you could get fleet discount for bringing whole planeload at same time. See, you could save more money again. Look at that. Hoy boys! You could have whole big talent pool just waiting for exciting programs. Maybe you could bring George Washington to have nice chat with politicians about telling lies. That would be good one. How 'bout you bring Moses for tour guide to take Israelis for stroll in desert? He's a natural. He been there before. And if you want to make pigs happy, you bring in Mozart to play concert with fiddle. I don't know can he play polkas, but he got lots o' talent and he could learn fast pretty quick. Look at that! You play cards right you have whole new audience.
Listen, you don't need to say thanks. I glad to give free advice. Ask anytime, I like to help. You should drop by. We could sit on my balcony and talk about TV planning. I got some nice ham sausage and my boy lives close by. He always got couple extra beers. We could do lunch.
Your pal,
Nestor Kropatnik PF (Retired).
