Nestor's Mailbag - Dear Pope

Dear Pope

Dear Pope;

It's me, Nestor. Hoy Boy! I bet you get lots o’ letters! You such a busy guy. I feel bad make you read 'nother one. So don't have no hard feelings for short letter. I not getting even for you not show up at my pig farm for snack after work when you was close by. Aha - maybe you forgot about that already or maybe was just mix up. We make such a nice bonfire and lots o’ munchies. Everybody wait 'til you concert over. We even save some beer and sausage for you. You miss such a good time. Just what you need to relax after day of heavy-duty speeches and waving to people. When you not show up, fire go out and we all go to asleep. Too much Di Boje I guess.

Oh now you remember! That's right, we invite you to little party just for you to have little bit good time. Everybody needs that once in a while. Hey, I seen you on the TV and looks like you could use a little bit fun now and then. You should try it.

Well I know priests not supposed to fool around and do hanky panky. But you not priest no more anyways. You are Pope - the boss – the CEO! You call the shots. What could hurt for you to go out and have little bit fun once in a while? I don't mean you got to do hanky panky. Just go do little jiggy jig dance listen to nice music and have good time. But I maybe you got a hard time to get a date. You notice that?

But let me give you a little bit advice, just between friends. Don’t worry, it’s free – no red tape attached. It don't need to go no further. You should wear pants more. Maybe even suit and tie would be nice. They got on sale in catalogue. You all the time put on fancy-shmansy nightshirts when you go out. They don't do a thing for you. You keep wearing them and ladies might get wrong idea. And that nightcap you insist to put on you head, what's that about? You should get nice Fedora. Then you look sharp, like zoot –suiter. What does bald guy need a nightcap for anyway? Well, that’s my advice to you. I know you didn't ask but what the hay. It's least I can do. 

But I not writing just to make fashion statement, in case you was wondering. It’s just little bit extra advice for you. No, no, real reason I write is to ask you question been bothering me. Maybe you don't know answer right away, but you got connections - you could find out and let me know. What I was wondering was if they got smoking section in heaven. I bet you get that a lot so maybe you already know answer and don't have to ask nobody.

It never even cross my mind before, but everybody keep nagging about it. Smoking no good for you they say. ‘Daddy,’ says Olga, ‘you stop that crummy habit – is bad for you.’ Even missus keeps nagging, ‘Phoo! That stinks!’ What I gonna do? I been smoking now for sixty years and people say if I keep it up I maybe gonna get sick so I should stop. I know they mean well but why they not tell me that sixty years ago?

They even got all kinds new smoking facts - scientific, they say. Even government is in on act. They say second hand smoke is bad for people and environment. So they ban smoking in public places. Well, you know me. I don't want to make trouble for nobody, so I don't smoke in public places no more. I don't even like to smoke in places where I going to be my own self. Trouble is, I still like to smoke. So you see my problem.

Well, if they got a smoking section in heaven, I'd sure like to go there. Some of my buddies is there already and I like to visit with them, you know, maybe have some sausage and a beer - and a smoke. But I not want to start off on wrong foot and smoke where I not supposed to. It wouldn't be right. So if they got no smoking section I got to decide am I going to quit like everybody is nagging me about or go stay in that other place you talk about sometimes, just for smoke. Hoy boys, is a heavy load to carry making huge big decisions. Maybe next time you come by you can tell me.

Now, you see - we had such a nice chat and you wasn't even here. Imagine how much fun you have if you drop by for visit. You like it here. You feel right at home. We got nice balcony, just like your place – well maybe not so fancy, but pretty cozy. You could go out there same as in your palace and wave to neighbors across the courtyard, no problem.

I even got old zoot suit you could wear - dark blue - with pin stripes - and a vest too. Real classy. Hoy boy! I bet you turn lots of ladies' heads in that suit. No really, you should come. You don't even got to phone. We always got extra sausage in freezer. And my boy he live close by. He always got a few extra beers around. We could have blast.

Your pal,

Nestor Kropatnik PF (Retired)