As the World Turns (In the Middle East)

The Way the World Turns (In the Middle East)

Wellsir, if I was to call all the leaders of the G-20 stupid, I’d probably get myself into a whole lot of trouble for nuthin’. So I won’t do it. In the first place, they wouldn’t believe me, and second, they wouldn’t have a clue as to what I was talkin’ about anyways. The only thing that would be on their minds is that they’ve been insulted and how does anybody dare insult them? Ha! Can you imagine the fur that would fly if I were to publicly call them a bunch of idiots? Gawd, if I did that they’d hunt me down like vermin and splatter me all over the map. It just ain’t worth it. Naw, I’ll let them call their own selves stupid. They do it all the time anyways by their own actions, sort’a like the ‘King’s New Clothes.’ They’re so full of their selves; they don’t listen to anybody else anyways. Here, I can prove it to you.

A while back I was so disgusted with all the hullabaloo in the Middle East, I wrote a little story about it called ‘Izzy an’ Phil.’ Them’s code names for the Israelites an’ Philistines. I’ll tell it to you sometime when you’re in the mood. I guess I was bein’ too gentle at the time ‘cause I never heard a peep out of any of ‘em. Probably went right over their heads anyway, although I don’t know how, seein’ as their heads are stuck up somewhere – probably in the clouds, I guess.

Beats me how it is that nobody understands the Middle East. I mean, it’s wrote down plain as the nose on your face right there in the biggest bestseller book ever since Gutenberg invented the printing press. It all started when old Abraham was tryin’ to negotiate a deal with God about populating the whole region with HIS people. The deal was that all he needed to do was to sacrifice his kid and Bob’s yer uncle! When God saw the scrawny little bugger Abraham tried to pawn off on him, he knew he was getting the short end of the stick. He told him to keep his crummy brat and gave him a bunch more kids anyways who then did populate the whole region. Naturally, old Abraham told all the boys that they was God’s chosen people. They bought that line in a minute and each one thought it was his own self who was chosen rather than the whole bunch of them. The only thing was that none of them got along with each other. Well, you know how it is when you got a dozen kids or more. There’s bound to be friction. It ended up that they all split off into different tribes and as it happens, some was called Israelites and some was called Philistines.

The one thing to come out of all that is that all the brothers and their descendants managed to carve out a major industry in the area. See, what they do there is kill each other. It’s like one big giant abattory. Well it makes sense. I mean what else are you gonna do in that useless piece of desert? The sun is fryin’ your head and the sand is fryin’ your feet – that’ll put you in the mood to kill somebody just for the hell of it. And the way them people reproduce, there’s always lots of inventory to make more corpses.

Nobody knows exactly what purpose this business serves but they’ve been at it for thousands of years, specially them Israelite and Philistine tribes. You take when Moses bailed the Israelites outa Egypt; they were so hot for ‘the land where milk and honey flows’, they couldn’t wait to get at the Philistines who owned it. He (Moses) had to cool them off a bit so he took them for a forty-year stroll in the desert first. By the time they finally get to Jericho where the Philistines live, there’s more’n half a million of them Israelites. See what I mean about reproduction?

Moses, he don’t want nothin to do with it no more. He says, “Joshua, you go. I’m too old for this crap. You take ‘em.”

So old Josh does. He takes five hundred thousand angry Jews and marches them around Jericho seven times. On the seventh lap they blow their rams horns just like this army commander who says he’s God told them to. Jericho collapses and all the Philistines inside are just so much road kill – flatter’n a pancake.

Well, and just a reminder of what David done to Goliath a few hundred years later. If that ain’t enough to permanently piss off the Philistines, I don’t know what is.

So you see, this is a ongoing family feud between cousins, and you know how it is when you go stickin’ your nose into family business – especially when it’s somebody else’s family. You’d think them Christians woulda learned that the first time they went up there lookin’ for the Holy Grail. Yeah, right. The Holy Grail, my foot. That load of crap is about as many meadow muffins as you can pile on a hayrack. Of course they pulled the same trick as the Israelites did, claiming their holy crusades were in God’s name – the same God the Israelites figured was theirs. Nobody bought it and the Christians eventually got their collective asses kicked. Well, so much for God.

In the mean time this guy called Mohammed comes along and gathers the Philistines and a whole bunch of other folks together an’ introduces them to Islam. He sells them a bill of goods that the same God that the Israelites AND the Christians claim as theirs tells him to wipe out the infidels. ‘Infidels’ is a code name for non-Muslims; namely Christians and Israelites. Oh – and he insists on calling God Allah. Well it’s got a ring to it, specially the way they pronounce it. He tells them if it is Allah’s will, it will happen. In other words they ain’t responsible for nothin! Well, that’s a relief. Now they can start throwin rocks at the Israelites in earnest without any consequences from higher up. They hate them cockroaches anyways. And the Christians, well, those greedy buggers are only after Arab oil, and besides, they’re rootin for the Israelites on top of it all. That makes them double-dog buggers who got no business meddlin’ in domestic affairs anyways.

Now, like I said when I started this history lesson, I ain’t gonna call nobody stupid. I figure everybody is born with brains – even world leaders. But what I noticed was that in order for brains to work; you actually got to use them. Somebody forgot to tell that to them meddlers. Anybody who ever got up before breakfast would’a known enough to leave them killers alone long enough to do each other in all by their selves. Then they could just walk in there and have the whole place to their selves for free.

But that would be too easy, now wouldn’t it. No, they got bigger fish to fry. So they call a meeting with God – them Christians and Israelites do. They tell him he ain’t doin’ the job. Every time they go in there against Allah an’ his rock throwin Philistines they get a bloody nose. So they fire him and form the United Nations. Now they figure they got some ammunition!

The Israelites buy into it like a flash. With lots of countries around the world opening up their wallets, they got a brand new business with a built in cash flow. What could be better? Besides, the U.N. tells the Philistines to move over an’ make room for their new best friends. Looks like the Israelites finally got the upper hand don’t it?

Hah! Wrong! Again! They forgot about their Persian friends who hate them as much as the Philistines do. And there’s no love lost between them and the Phoenicians neither. They still well remember when old King Solomon screwed them over about all them cedars from Lebanon. The Persians, or Iranians as they now call their selves tell the Philistines to never mind about throwin rocks at the Israelites. They got somethin better – they got hand held grenade launchers! Holy Crap! Now they’re talkin! Now they can get back to the family business of killin people in earnest. Been a long time since business was so good.

That don’t sit too well with the Israelites who are still smartin’ from the lickin’ Hitler gave ‘em. They complain that the United Nations isn’t doin nearly as good as God done, and not livin’ up to its promises at all! It’s time to step up to the plate!

The U.N. says okay. We’re gonna negotiate a peace. Aha! Well! Now they’re talkin! If anybody knows anything about negotiating, it’s them Israelites. The know how to parlay a deal to its absolute limits and then one inch more every time. Good plan! Just when they got that figured out a new type of Goliath shows up at the U.N. – guy by the name of Arafat, Yassir Arafat. Not the giant, but a funny little guy. Wears a checkered tablecloth on his head. He offers them an olive branch he has in his hand. That’s Philistine code for peace. Oho! Peace. That’s good. But then he puts out the other hand. HOLY CRAP – there’s a gun in it!

“Picks yer poison boys,” he says. “I don’t care which.” Then he walks out.

Well them damn fool Christians are so far out of their league they don’t even have their heads stuck up in the clouds. They probably stuck them somewheres else I don’t care to mention. For the Philistines and the Israelites, business couldn’t be better. The Philistines got enough poor people to keep international aid going at a good clip, enough friends to supply rocket launchers and grenades, and enough Philistines left over for cannon fodder for the Israelites to shoot at. And the Israelites can cry enough crocodile tears to fill the Red Sea every time a rocket lands on their front door. Well and if that don’t keep the cash flowing, they just say the magic word “Holocaust” and the donations come pouring in right along with the sympathy. If I didn’t know any better, I’d be inclined to think them feudin’ cousins are in cahoots together to fleece the Christians as payback for the crusades all them years ago. Wouldn’t surprise me one bit.

And them damn fool Christians still haven’t learned a thing. They say they keep wantin’ to broker a peace deal – or at least that’s what they call it anyways. I think it’s actually a code word for getting’ more oil.

Of course if any of them was to consult the real Allah, or God, or whatever they call him instead of the one they invented their selves, they’d discover a solution as old as the very rocks they fling at each other.

But listen, I wouldn’t be the one to ask if you really think that that ignorant, morally bankrupt gang of lowlife vermin what calls itself politicians, presidents, prime ministers and who knows what all else could even grasp the notion of embracing the concept that instead of throwin rocks at each other, their people should lift each other up so they might walk on this earth in dignity together? God has got his revenge on Abraham by fryin any intelligence out of their brains in the desert sun. They just wouldn’t get it, not in a million years! That murderin bunch o’ jackals put no value on any human life except for their very own skins. But I wouldn’t be the one to say that.

Naw, I wouldn’t bother to call them stupid or ignorant or any of them other names that just sorta accidentally slipped out. Not me. But I’ll tell you what. I ain’t gonna kiss their asses neither. They can do that their own selves. To quote Woody Allen, the world wishes them to “Go forth, be fruitful and multiply – but not in those words”!