Nestor's Mailbag - Olympics

Olympic Sporty Guys

Dear Olympic;

It's me, Nestor. I hope you don't mind I write you when you so busy getting ready for summer Olympic games. I know is huge big headache to get everything ready on time. Huh, look at that. I just start to write and already I got good idea, but don't worry, I not send letter until after big bash. That way you get to keep nose in own business when you need it. We could have nice chat later. Is no big deal anyway. I just got couple questions about Olympic games. Would be good idea you should explain to people about it.

 In first place, how come you got so many sick athletes playing games? Everybody always got to go to drugstore - even coaches. After competition, test show they still got disease anyway. You really think this is good idea? Let me give you little bit friendly advice. Don't worry, it's free. No red tape attached. You should try old country remedy for sick athletes. You could make nice little necklace from piece binder twine and seven juicy cloves garlic fresh from garden. Just hang around neck for seven days. You get it - seven cloves for seven days? Works like magic every time and no more drug store medicine. If athletes really sick, put one extra clove between teeth and chew nicely. Hoy boys, you get huge big surprise how fast they get healthy and strong - even smell strong! 

Other thing would be good idea for you to explain to people is what means some of these games. Example - you got whole bunch o' people throw spears in goofy spear throwing game called javelin throwing. Everybody throws far as he can to find out who is winner. What kind of game is this? You got no bull's eye. What is point of throwing far if you don't even hit side of barn? Buffalo just laugh at goofy hunter - maybe give him taste of horn in seat of pants if he not careful. That would be good game - see how fast hunter can run other way. But first you got to find out how far buffalo can run before he get tire.

Maybe that's how you figure out relay race. Hunter miss buffalo, buffalo chase him so he give spear to other guy who run some more. Hoy boys - big mistake. Buffalo knows who throw spear. He don't care about other guy who runs and gives to other guy who runs too. He gonna get hunter with bad aim. Let me give you little bit friendly advice. Don't worry, it's free - no red tape attached. Hunter who throw spear shouldn't go sit down on bench. He should go to showers right away quick before buffalo find him, for sure!

That's 'nother thing you should explain to people. Races, I mean. What kind business is races supposed to be? First everybody line up on starting line, seems to take whole hour. Everybody take off pants and stand around in underwear shaking arms and legs like going to be hot shot magic trick. Then everybody crouch down to look for four-leaf clover when guy shoots off starting gun. All guys or girls take off like they gonna beat the bullet. Okay, is good idea, but they run hundred meters and stop and look around. What they looking for - the bullet? Don't they know man with gun shoot blanks?

Oh, calm down - I just make little joke. I know they not racing against bullet. But you gotta admit whole thing looks kind o' fishy. After whole huge big production to get ready for race, they run like deer for hundred meters, then they stop. Whole audience clap. Now runners look around little bit, put pants back on, and go sit down. Holy Moley, now I get it! They got to see who gets best pair o' pants.  Just like going to church on Sunday and come home with brand new pair overshoes. Is this good idea when everybody watching? No, no - you need new pants, you got to get a job, save up money and go to store and buy. Never mind swipe other guy's pants. What is guy who lose race gonna do - go home in gotchies?

Let me give you little bit friendly advice. Don't worry - it's free - no red tape attached. Don't give guys who run relay races no more little sticks to give to 'nother guy. You give them mailbag. Tell him to run to next town and deliver mail. Hoy Boys! Canada Post get huge big surprise! I bet my big boots they jump a mile high to get such good service! Then runners can say for sure they run for Canada - just like pony express. Look at that. They don't even need hot shot Olympic Committee. Only they got to keep pants on or some ladies get all excited.

Same thing with guys who throw spears. Hoy boys, you think I out of ideas already? No way Jose! This is Nestor you talking to. You want to do something useful? Spear guys should go to places where is lots o' grouchy Canada geese. If they get lots o' geese, they could feed whole army of people who go to food banks. Feathers make nice cozy blankets for homeless people. Well okay, if you want to give prize is okay - but only for head shots. See, I told you. Is easy to have fun and games and still do something good for whole country. Is whole lot better than spend huge big pile o' cash to go overseas to take off pants. If you got to take pants off, go to bedroom and don't embarrass nobody. 

You got to use head little bit to do "value added" business. Could be whole new "Value Added Olympics" if you play cards right. Ha ha, you laugh. What does old pig farmer know about "value added" anyway? You be surprised what pig farmer knows. Some hot shot economist make up new name for how to do better business, but pig farmer already knows all about it. In depression my daddy take load of oats to grain elevator. Elevator guy says he give him ten cents a bushel - tops. Daddy says no - four-fifty a bushel.  Elevator guy laughs at him - tell him he's nuts. Daddy takes load home and drives to pig barn. Shows oats to pigs. He tells them is top grade - four-fifty a bushel. Hoy Boys, pigs are so happy they squeal like pigs! Daddy makes nice chop and feed whole business to them. After, he butchers pigs and makes nice ham sausage. He sells whole works for good price and never go back to elevator guy again. Daddy find out he can stay home, look after family if he do value added business and everything hunky dory.

Now you see - is not so hard to figure out how to have lots o' fun and games and still do good for people. You save lots o' money too. Instead of go to fancy gym for exercise, you go to pig farm - carry slop pails to trough - get strong right quick. If you want to learn run fast, take nice stroll in my brother Stachu's cow pasture. Bull is always there, ready to give you good work out. Maybe you want to think about that little bit. Hoy boys - you never believe I even got good job for think about things. Just hitch up horses to set of harrows and go clean up summer fallow on back quarter. While you're at it you could talk about whole Olympic business to wrong end of horse. Would be just like having meeting with board of directors. You feel right at home. Best part is you get free room and board and ten bucks a day.

Holy Moley! I bet you five rubles you never think of such a thing! Listen, no need to say thanks. I good Canadian. I glad to help out anytime. You should drop by sometime. We could sit on my balcony and have nice chat about more ideas. I still got good supply of ham sausage and my boy live close by. He always got some extra beer. Would be good visit.

Your Pal,

Nestor Kropatnik PF (Retire)

Nestor's Mailbag - Education (special)

I've often had a thing about people who need special education. It seems that the people in charge of education have the idea that one must learn things only in a certain way. If you can't do that - too bad! Well, that's not how it is. I have the biggest respect for people like my granddaughter Morgan Epp who is a blind/deaf Intervenor. or my sister's neice who is a speech therapist, who might advise these administrative cowboys exactly where it's at. Well -enough said. Let Nestor speak for himself:

Education Minister

Dear Ed;

It's me, Nestor. Ho, ho, I bet you five rubles you never think you gonna get letter from old Nestor! Maybe you figure out I far too busy being CEO of pig farm to write to busy CEO of teachers. But I got big surprise for you. Now I retire, I got time to give you hand with big mess you make with special education. Don't worry, it's free - no red tape attached.

Hoy, boys! You got nose so deep in fancy shmansy psychology books is no wonder left hand don't know where is right hand. You don't need all that. Everything you need is already in farm chores. You just got to know how to use it. Don't forget. Everybody got special needs. Everybody need special education - even teachers, maybe even Education Minister. Let me tell you little story. You gonna get huge big surprise.   

Actually I little bit nervous telling special education secrets to big boss of teachers. Maybe I gonna have to sit in corner with dunce cap - again. But by now I too old for that. Don't worry, I didn't forget about that business. Wouldn't have been such a big stink if snot-nose little brother don't have such a big mouth. But no, he gotta go home and tell grand daddy about bunyak big brother Nestor is dunce at school. Sometimes little brothers make lots o' trouble. Hoy boys - that Stashu - give me huge big pain sometimes.

Grand daddy sit in big chair, look in my eye and curl up trigger finger to say 'come here, little bunyak'. I hang head like sad little dog and wait for big lecture in mother tongue. I not disappointed. Grand daddy tells me Kropatniks never sit in corner like dunces. How come I decide to change rules? I tell him I don't decide, teacher decide. How come, he wants to know. I tell him I forget poem I supposed to recite.

"Poem - poem?" grand daddy yell at me. Holy Moley! Now I gonna get it for sure! That Stashu - he gonna pay huge big price for shoot off mouth, for sure!

All of a sudden grand daddy get big sneaky grin on old face and says "I like poems! You stand up straight and I gonna tell you one".

I bet you five rubles I jump a mile high. Maybe I not gonna get it after all. Grand daddy tells me long poem in mother tongue. He knows whole thing off by heart. Is all about little willow who grows up to be strong big switch for dusting off seat of pants from boys who sit in dunce's stool. Whole time grand daddy is still smiling like sneaky old fox and I look around to spot willow switch.

Grand daddy ask me if I like poem. What I gonna say - no? "Oh yes, grand daddy - is very nice poem".

Now he want to know do I want to learn it. "Of course", I tell him. He says he got perfect way to learn poem so I never forget. Do I want to see? "Of course grand daddy". Hoy boys, I can't believe maybe this time is no willow switch.

Grand daddy takes me out to granary. He gives me huge big grain scoop and opens sack for me to fill. Every time I dig in to grain we say a line of poem together. Every time I empty scoop in sack we say another line. Scoop - say a line. Dump - say a line - like that. Forty bushels later we come to last verse.

Grand daddy ask if I know poem now. Hoy, boys, all I know is how heavy is forty bushels oats. I tell him no.

"Too bad", says grand daddy. "We start again". He dumps out whole forty bags of oats.

When he hears me groan, grand daddy says, "Don't be crybaby. At least I don't make you put oats in one grain at a time. This time you pay attention. Now shaddap and say out loud".

Hoy boys, you bet your big boots I pay attention! I take every word in my brain and stick him on like fly paper. When we finish I got to recite poem again. We get to verse seventeen and grand daddy dumps out one bushel bag.

"Why you do that?" I complain.

He says, "Two wrong words. Says verse again".

I say verse again and he says, "Okay, fill him up".

Same thing happen in verse twenty-two, and thirty, and thirty-eight. At least I don't have to dump out whole forty bushels. Next time I recite poem I get everything right. Now maybe I can go in house and take it easy.

Grand daddy have other idea. He makes me get book where is my poem. When he sees poem he laughs and says, "This is sissy pants poem - only four verses."

We hitch up team to wagon and I get to load up oats for hammermill to making chop. Holy Moley - eighty pounds a bag - forty bags - my back is broke - arms too! Grand daddy says, "You look little bit tire. You rest and read poem to me on way to mill". I tell him thank you.

Only problem is poem is in English and grand daddy don't understand so I got to say in mother tongue. Now he says it sounds good but don't rhyme. It's got to rhyme or is no poem. I start to think maybe would be better to dust off seat of pants with willow switch and forget about stupid poem. But I smart enough to keep trap shut or else I still got to learn poem and get pants dusted off as bonus for complaining.

We dump out everything at mill and I get grain scoop again. Scoop up grain and say a line. Dump in hopper and say a line. By time we finish I can say in English and in mother tongue - even backwards if I want. On way home grand daddy says to me, "Thank you for big help to make chop and for teaching me nice poem. Today we had special education. You learn two poems in two languages at same time as learn how to make chop for pigs - just like professional pig farmer. I learn small sissy pants poem to say in English. When I tell to grandma, she gonna think I Leo Tolstoi. That's special".

Next day I go to school and say poem just like that. Teacher very happy - tell me I do perfect. Now go sit down. I say no - I not finished yet. I say also in mother tongue - even make it rhyme. Teacher says I must be bilingual. Now he thinks I smart kid after all. After that I never sit in corner with dunce cap again.

Now you see - that's not so hard. You don't need whole bunch o' huge big words to make lessons easy for students. They don't pay attention anyway. You do that and all you get is bored kids who grow up and know nothing. No, no. You got to figure out ways for students to pay attention so they learn something from teacher and teacher learn something from student. That way everybody feels good.

Listen, you should drop by for visit sometime when you not busy with nose in psychology books. We could sit on my balcony and have some nice ham sausage. My boy lives close by and he always got couple extra beers. I could give you more ideas about special education. Maybe you could bring bunch o' special education teachers to pig farm for lesson about special education. My daughter Olga is CEO of pig farm now I retire, but she knows poem about little willow switch as good as me and grand daddy. She be very happy to give special education to teachers.

Your pal,

Nestor Kropatnik PF (Retire)     

Nestor's Mailbag - Red Tape Department

Health Canada

Red Tape Department

Dear Red;

It's me, Nestor! Hoy boys, I bet my big boots you gonna be suprise to hear from me! Sorry to disturb you when you so busy trying to find cure for red tape worm epidemic. I know, I know, is huge big problem - world wide pandemic. I don't blame you for worry 'bout it. You getting nowhere fast and red tape worm getting everywhere even faster. Too much red tape!

I never thought about it 'til other day when I watch news on the TV. I line up my big chair and click on TV zapper. Holy Moley! I jump a mile high. Here is classy lady friend of mine getting off a big airplane - right there on TV! She and other nurses and doctors just arriving back from Sri Lanka. They go there to do very nice mission helping people who need it after huge big disaster. Look at that! They got lots of work right here, but when they hear about sick people who need help right away, they drop everything and go, just like that - no red tape.  Maybe you never heard 'bout such a thing in Ottawa before.

They get to Sri Lanka, roll up sleeves and say, "okay let's go! Take us to place where biggest need is."

Army says, "Shaddup and stay in stinky hot barracks. We got war business to do - no time for humanitarian aid. You want something, you talk to government."

So doctors and nurses complain to government. They come all this way for people who need medicine and treatment in a hurry, but army says no way José. Doctors and nurses dig heels in. They still want to know when they can get a move on. 

Government says, "First you need approval from Red Tape department. Fill out forms and wait."

Hoys Boys, what a mess! They even got Red Tape Department in Sri Lanka! I thought it was only available in Ottawa. Doctors and nurses ask for appointment with Minister of Red Tape to clear up business so people don't got to suffer no more. Guy tells them, "Sorry, Minister is out. Come back tomorrow maybe."

Pretty soon people get a little bit grouchy and nobody gets help because Minister is still out. They say, "Where is Minister?"

Guy says, "Out".

People say, "We know he's out. Where is out?"

Guy says, "Out to lunch."

Hoy boys, he got that right! It's just like in Ottawa - same disease. Here you got huge big bunch o' people got no food, got no clean water, got no houses, lost families, lost everything. Same time you got lots o' people like my friend fly half way 'round world to help. Lots o' people send money, clothes, medicine, and equipment. Where does everything go? Goes to Red Tape shipping and receiving, of course. Now nobody can get it 'cause Red Tape Minister is out to lunch. You see what I mean? Red tape worm is huge big problem.

Let me give you little bit friendly advice. Don't worry, it's free - no red tape attached. Ha ha, that's just a little joke. But I got sure cure for red tape worm from my grand daddy. I hear you ask what does old retired pig farmer know about cure for anything, never mind such a giant big disease. Ho, ho, I bet you five rubles you gonna get huge big surprise when you find out what old retired pig farmer knows! I gonna tell you right now. He knows cure for red tape worm is right there on pig farm. See, I told you you gonna be surprise.

In old country my grand daddy find out when spunky young boy pig wants to have smoochy date with nice fancy lady pig, he got to look good - make big impression. So wise guy grand daddy, he takes straight razor and gives him nice fancy shave, professional, just like in barbershop. Pretty soon hot shot boy pig sees he is handsome dude - looks like a million bucks. He's happy to go call on fine lady pig. But that is different story. I not gonna tell you in case kids listening. I gonna tell you 'bout special treatment for all kinds problems.

Grand daddy he got brand new idea for stiff pig bristles. He don't waste nothing - uses them to make cure for poachers catching rabbits on his land. He takes old muzzleloader, a little bit black powder, a big ball of stiff pig bristles, sneaks up on poacher, pulls trigger and gives him injection in seat of pants, right through trap door of red flannel gotchies. Poacher yells and takes off, howling like wolf who back into grouchy porcupine. No, no, this is not end of story. Just wait. I gonna tell you whole business.

Next day grandma sets table for supper, everybody sits down except my daddy. Grandma wants to know why he don't want to sit down to eat like everybody else. Daddy says he not hungry. Besides, he's too busy - got big responsibility to do lots o' chores, and runs out of house. Grandma thinks that maybe her boy got sunstroke from heat, he acting so funny. This is first time she see him want to work instead of eat. He even got long coat on, down over seat of pants.

Even next morning grandma says my daddy gotta sit down and eat breakfast. Daddy tells her he still got no time - got to hurry for school. All of a sudden he want to study hard to be good student. How 'bout that! Never happen before. Grand daddy just strokes his big handlebar moustache and smiles. He tells grandma don't worry. The boy just had immunization against poaching disease. Right now is little bit tender in immunization site, but only takes three weeks for puss and poison to push out pig bristles and then he can sit down again. Grandma says must be good medicine to make boy change his ways so much.

  Hoys boys! Is a long story my grand daddy told me. He winks at me and says it looks like pig bristles pretty good medicine for cure laziness disease too. I ask him how it works.

"Oh," says grand daddy, "like magic. Pig bristles go right into skin. Only way out is for disease in body to push out everything. Then its too late - disease falls out too. In three weeks everything comes out and everything hunky dory. Hoy Boys, makes huge big mess in trap door of gotchies!" he laughs.

So you see what you learn from old pig farmer. Right there under your nose is perfect medicine to cure lots o' things. You don't need fancy shmansy little pills or needle in arm. All you need is old muzzleloader and little bit black powder and grand daddy's pig bristle medicine. Think about it. Its all natural, organic, has short-term side effects and is non-addictive. Best of all it’s a renewable resource so you could get it anytime. I bet you five rubles you give injection to all government people, you get rid of poaching disease - no more fingers in piggy bank. Same time you clean up lazy disease so nobody got no more time for red tape. Look at that! In one shot you fix everything in whole red tape department. Everything run smooth just like wagon wheel with Black Beauty axle grease. You don’t even need booster shot. You just have to say you gonna give booster shot. All of a sudden original medicine starts to work again, just like magic.

You see - that was easy. You should drop by sometime. We could sit on my balcony and have nice visit. I got nice fresh ham sausage and my boy, he live close by. He always got couple extra beers. Maybe you could even use couple more ideas like maybe next time you give money and supplies to Auditor General Sheila Fraser. She gonna make sure where money goes.

Your pal,

Nestor Kropatnik PF (Retired)

Nestor's Mailbag - Dear Pope

Dear Pope

Dear Pope;

It's me, Nestor. Hoy Boy! I bet you get lots o’ letters! You such a busy guy. I feel bad make you read 'nother one. So don't have no hard feelings for short letter. I not getting even for you not show up at my pig farm for snack after work when you was close by. Aha - maybe you forgot about that already or maybe was just mix up. We make such a nice bonfire and lots o’ munchies. Everybody wait 'til you concert over. We even save some beer and sausage for you. You miss such a good time. Just what you need to relax after day of heavy-duty speeches and waving to people. When you not show up, fire go out and we all go to asleep. Too much Di Boje I guess.

Oh now you remember! That's right, we invite you to little party just for you to have little bit good time. Everybody needs that once in a while. Hey, I seen you on the TV and looks like you could use a little bit fun now and then. You should try it.

Well I know priests not supposed to fool around and do hanky panky. But you not priest no more anyways. You are Pope - the boss – the CEO! You call the shots. What could hurt for you to go out and have little bit fun once in a while? I don't mean you got to do hanky panky. Just go do little jiggy jig dance listen to nice music and have good time. But I maybe you got a hard time to get a date. You notice that?

But let me give you a little bit advice, just between friends. Don’t worry, it’s free – no red tape attached. It don't need to go no further. You should wear pants more. Maybe even suit and tie would be nice. They got on sale in catalogue. You all the time put on fancy-shmansy nightshirts when you go out. They don't do a thing for you. You keep wearing them and ladies might get wrong idea. And that nightcap you insist to put on you head, what's that about? You should get nice Fedora. Then you look sharp, like zoot –suiter. What does bald guy need a nightcap for anyway? Well, that’s my advice to you. I know you didn't ask but what the hay. It's least I can do. 

But I not writing just to make fashion statement, in case you was wondering. It’s just little bit extra advice for you. No, no, real reason I write is to ask you question been bothering me. Maybe you don't know answer right away, but you got connections - you could find out and let me know. What I was wondering was if they got smoking section in heaven. I bet you get that a lot so maybe you already know answer and don't have to ask nobody.

It never even cross my mind before, but everybody keep nagging about it. Smoking no good for you they say. ‘Daddy,’ says Olga, ‘you stop that crummy habit – is bad for you.’ Even missus keeps nagging, ‘Phoo! That stinks!’ What I gonna do? I been smoking now for sixty years and people say if I keep it up I maybe gonna get sick so I should stop. I know they mean well but why they not tell me that sixty years ago?

They even got all kinds new smoking facts - scientific, they say. Even government is in on act. They say second hand smoke is bad for people and environment. So they ban smoking in public places. Well, you know me. I don't want to make trouble for nobody, so I don't smoke in public places no more. I don't even like to smoke in places where I going to be my own self. Trouble is, I still like to smoke. So you see my problem.

Well, if they got a smoking section in heaven, I'd sure like to go there. Some of my buddies is there already and I like to visit with them, you know, maybe have some sausage and a beer - and a smoke. But I not want to start off on wrong foot and smoke where I not supposed to. It wouldn't be right. So if they got no smoking section I got to decide am I going to quit like everybody is nagging me about or go stay in that other place you talk about sometimes, just for smoke. Hoy boys, is a heavy load to carry making huge big decisions. Maybe next time you come by you can tell me.

Now, you see - we had such a nice chat and you wasn't even here. Imagine how much fun you have if you drop by for visit. You like it here. You feel right at home. We got nice balcony, just like your place – well maybe not so fancy, but pretty cozy. You could go out there same as in your palace and wave to neighbors across the courtyard, no problem.

I even got old zoot suit you could wear - dark blue - with pin stripes - and a vest too. Real classy. Hoy boy! I bet you turn lots of ladies' heads in that suit. No really, you should come. You don't even got to phone. We always got extra sausage in freezer. And my boy he live close by. He always got a few extra beers around. We could have blast.

Your pal,

Nestor Kropatnik PF (Retired)

   

Nestor's Mailbag - Dear Canada

Well, it's Canada Day, and I couldn't help but remember Nestor's embarrassement about his effort to show his allegiance. So I thought I'd share it with you today. Here it is:

Dear Canada

Dear Canada;

It’s me, Nestor! Hoys Boys, I so embarrass early first thing in morning I don’t know should I sit down, stand up, or hide face in corner. Sun is just peeking up from under sleeping blanket when I take my coffee and little bit ham sausage on balcony for think about what to do today. Well I know I not going to do things no more – I retire – but is old habit I pick up and hard to break. Even still is nice to plan for do nothing whole day. Besides, is Canada day today. Whole country having birthday party.

Now I look up from comfy balcony chair – just like pope – and look across courtyard at other buildings. Holy Moley, I bet my big boots I jump a mile high! Lots o’ people got big Canadian flag in windows and draped over balcony – just like huge big birthday card. Hoy Boys! What a good idea! How come I never think of that? I gotta admit, sometimes city slickers not so dumb after all.

All of a sudden I get great idea myself. Maybe I got no flag so I gonna make one for sure! Quiet as a little mouse I sneak in bedroom where missus still sleeping. She so cute, purr like tiny little kitten on pillow. I find brand new pair red wool gotchies and brand new white bed sheet and tippee toe out so wife not wake up. I know I got no business in sewing basket, but I look anyway for safety pins and take whole shebang to balcony. Hoy Boys – is hard job to figure out how to make maple leaf from pair o’ gotchies. Is one part short until I remember trap door. Look at that. Trap door is good for lots o’ things. By time I all finished, tongue is all twisted from concentrating, fingers full o’ holes from safety pins, but whole thing looks pretty good, I figure out. Not so bad for old pig farmer.

Holy Moley, if I not still on hands and knees, I bet you for sure I be fall down right away quick. Right behind me cute little purring kitten turn into ferocious big tiger – roar like lion – in mother tongue! Missus lets out string o’ words, some I never even know what mean. What I think I doing showing underwear to neighbors on balcony? What people going to think of bunyak pig farmer? They gonna laugh us right out of neighborhood! Hoy Boys, I so shocked I don’t know what to say for minute. I never thought o’ that.

Finally I get tongue back and I say, ”Hey listen sweetie, calm down. I make birthday card for Canada.” Hoy Boys, big mistake! She give me ‘nother blast.

Now I got to dig heels in little bit. I tell her, “Listen here sweetie, I CEO of balcony. If I wanna say ‘Happy Birthday Canada’, I gonna do it”.

Missus shoots right back. “Maybe you CEO, but don’t forget who is Chairman of Board. Now shaddap and give me gotchies”.  

Just then our Olga – she now CEO of pig farm since I retire, walks in door and wonders what is all squawking about. Missus tells her I make jackass of self and show her what I make. She says she gonna throw in Dumpster.

Daughter says, “no, no mommy, don’t throw away! Is very important to say ‘Happy Birthday Canada’. Look, I brought present”! She open big Eaton’s shopping bag and haul out huge big flag bought from store. Holy Moley I get such a big surprise! Is beautiful flag.

Missus like it too. She says, “here Mr. CEO, go hang up proper birthday card – and do it straight”.

Daughter tells mommy, “Give me daddy’s flag. I got good place for it. I hang it up in barn. Pigs will be so happy, they gonna squeal like pigs – maybe even sing ‘Oh Canada’. They see daddy’s gotchies, then they know who is Chairman of Board in barn. See, everything is hunky dory”.

Look at that! I don’t know how it happened. Missus comes and gives me little squeeze. She says I cutest little bunyak. Daughter says she gotta go show flag to pigs in barn.

Let me give you little bit friendly advice. Don’t worry, it’s free – no red tape attached. When it comes to ladies, just shaddap and do what they say. Somehow by magic, everything work out – every time.

You should drop by sometime. We could have some sausage and maybe I ask my boy who live close by if he got some extra beer. We could have nice visit. Just don’t ask for lady advice.            

Your pal,

Nestor Kropatnik PF (Retire)

Queen Victoria's Birthday

It looks like I'm going to be rummaging around in Nestor's mailbag some more. I actually found one of his little missives that is aimed at the idea behind this May long weekend. As usual, he calls a spade a spade and sets it right, according to his own self. Here it is:

Monarchist League

Dear League;

It’s me, Nestor! How ‘bout that? It’s Queenie’s birthday again. Hoy boys, she gonna be hundred eighty-six years old – only been dead for hundred-four. That’s what I writing about. Gonna be lots o’ noise and banging drums and firecrackers. You think Queenie gonna ‘preciate that? She old and tired. I bet you five rubles you stick head in Queenie’s tomb, she not gonna say thank you for party. Maybe she tell you, ‘We not amuse’ and slam door in face. No, no, we gotta have respect for Elders.

Let me give you little bit friendly advice. Don’t worry, it’s free – no red tape attached. You should have birthday party for new Queen. Well, she not so new, but at least she still breathing. She got hands full with spoiled brat kids and could use a break. Would be good to write nice letter to pay respects to old Queenie, send flowers to new Queenie and nice big cake for spoiled brat kids. Well, you know what they say, ‘Let them eat cake!’ After that you forget about whole business, go to lake and have own party, firecrackers and everything.

You see, was easy to take care of all royal business including royal sayings. You still pay respect and don’t wake up Queen Victoria no more and still have same long weekend. Everything gonna be hunky dory.

No need to say thank you for advice. I glad to share. I got lots o’ ideas for snot nose royal grandchildren too. You should drop by my balcony for some nice ham sausage and a glass tea. Way up high on balcony - we call that high tea. That’s just little royal joke.

Your pal,

Nestor Kropatnik PF (Retire)

Nestor's Mailbag - Letter to the Finance Minister (and everybody else)

Every time I get invited over to my friend Nestor Kropatnik's place, I get suspicious. You remember Nestor Kropatnik - PF (Retire) who is forever writing letters and giving free advice - like it or not. Sure enough, we're sitting on his balcony enjoying some fine ham sausage and a cold beer, when out comes his pencil and paper. He's got another HUGE BIG idea about how to get rid of the deficit, balance the budget, and put Canada back in the black. But this idea is so "HUGE BIG" that he has to tell everybody but he can't write that many letters. He butters me up by saying I'm a smart guy. I can figure it out.

He hands me anothr beer and another slab of ham sausauge on a slice of his wife's delicious home-made rye bread, smiles like a kid in a candy store and says, "We gonna do it together! I gonna say what I gonna say and you gonna write down just like I said it!"

Well, with an idea this "HUGE BIG", I can't resist. I pick up paper and pencil, look him straight in the eye and holler, "Shoot"!

Nestor doesn't miss a beat. "Like this," he says, all business:

To Finance Minister


Cc: Trade and Commerce Department

Cc: Justice Department

Cc: Corrections Department

Cc: Prime Minister of Quebec

Cc: Indian Affairs Department

Cc: Foreign Affairs Department



Dear Finance;

It’s me Nestor! Hoy boys, I so excited I don’t know who to write to ‘bout this huge big idea, so I gonna Cc everybody, just in case. “Cc” is secret code word for “carbon copy”. Everybody got to hear ‘bout this so I just say “Cc” an’ everybody get all heads together an’ pay attention to old Nestor. Pretty slick, you got to admit.

Other day I learn bran’ new word. Is called “outsourcing”. Holey Moley! Is huge big important word! How come I never hear ‘bout it before? Oh I know. Is also secret code word means “saving money”. Oho! Now I know why you never use it! Government got a rule about using swear words. Spending money is good government word, but don’t talk about saving money.

Out of other side of mouth government flap gums about balancing budget, cutting deficit ‘til cows come home. They even make huge big meeting with all countries called G – 20. I don’t know what G – 20 is code word for, but must be good because they spend about a billion bucks for party. They talk about cutting deficit, but nobody say how. They don’t even say when. Is just like climb in bathtub with clothes on. Only get clean outside. Inside still stinky like before bath.

Let me give you some friendly advice. Don’t worry, it’s free – no red tape attached. I glad to share. If you want to do something, you got to know how to do, otherwise, is just so much hot air. What does old pig farmer know about cutting deficit, balance budget, outsourcing you ask? I bet my big boots you gonna get huge surprise what old pig farmer can tell you.

Everybody already know about “outsourcing” – except maybe government and labor unions. Canadian clothes made in China, Taiwan, even India. Canadian toys, TV’s, computers – all made in China. Even sacred Indian Dream Catchers made in China. Everything too expensive to make here so businesses got to “outsource” orders to make cheaper, faster an’ better. Oops – now businesses saving lots o’money, and we saving money too. Look at that! Maybe government should think about “outsourcing”. I get so excited I got to look around for something government can “outsource” too. I don’t got to look very far.

Justice Department got huge big problem with too many prisoners an’ not enough prisons. Cost taxpayers thirty billion bucks a year – an’ pretty soon gonna cost fifty billion. Holey Moley, my taxes never gonna go down!

Now put on you thinking cap. What you think you can do ‘bout this? In case you fall asleep while thinking, I gonna tell you what you can do. Hoy Boys! I bet my big boots you gonna get huge big surprise! You “outsource” whole prison system to poor countries who need extra cash money. I bet you five rubles is going to be cheaper. At same time you help poor countries so you not spend so much on foreign aid. Save money – two times on same project. You see – everybody win!

Prime Minister from Quebec give me even bedder idea. He got brainstorm to sell more asbestos to Indians. No, no, not those Indians – they already corner market on diabetes. They got no room for cancer. I mean Indians in India. They buy that stuff by ton and install with bare hands. Not healthy.

So you make a deal to send all Canadian prisoners over in big airplane for install asbestos. You get better price for supplied and installed and Indians got more time to do computer software and electronics. That kind business got special secret code word you never heard before. Is called “value added”. They use in retail store. You buy suit and clerk say now you need nice tie to match. Then you need brand new shoes. First thing you know you bought whole outfit. That’s value added.

If prisoners run out of work, they got jails in India too. They take all kind stuff nobody else want – Canadian prisoners an’ maybe even defense lawyers.

Oho, you say. Prison guards gonna be upset! No, no, I think of everything. Prison guards get train for construction work and turn old prisons in to nice condominiums – upscale. You make a bundle! Look at that! First thing you know deficit gone and you got surplus on hands again!

You see, old pig farmer still know a thing or two ‘bout how to run a business. You should drop by sometime. We could have some my nice “value added” ham sausage an’ my boy, he live close by. He always got extra beer or two in fridge. I could give you more ideas. Don’t worry, it’s free – no red tape attached. I always glad to share.

Your pal,

Nestor Kropatnik PF (Retire)